Souvenir Survival 101

S. R. Karfelt

There are two kinds of people in this world, those who buy souvenirs and those who don’t. Usually the first kind are parents and they’re at Disney without their kids and consumed with guilt. That is why they spent $10.50 on a Mickey Mouse shaped pencil for their kids. (Mommy can’t help it if the conference is next to Disneyland, and she only went to watch the fireworks because her boss made her. #MeanBosses #GuiltPurchase)

After running this idea through The Glitter Globe for about twenty seconds, I’ve concluded that 80% of all souvenir purchases are purely guilt purchases. Business travelers will back this up, I’d bet. Because here is what happens when you return home from a business trip:

• Things happened and you weren’t there. You suck.
• I don’t care if you were in Cleveland; you were off having grown-up fun. You suck.
• Spare me your horror stories about the cruddy hotel you stayed at. You were at a hotel! You suck.
• Oh, poor baby, you’re sick of eating out every single day? You suck. Have some Kraft Mac and Cheese.
• You had to drive a rental car through Chicago during rush hour every day? You were in Chicago! You suck.
• You brought me a shower cap from the hotel? YOU SUCK.

The thing is I’ve been on both ends of the travel spectrum. I’ve been the parent at home with the vomiting children, and once the kids got old enough to clean up their own vomit, I got to be the traveler. This way I knew what to expect upon my return, so I was wise enough to be a souvenir shopper. This is what I learned about that:

• Things happened and you weren’t there. You suck.
• You were off having grown-up fun. The Keep Austin Weird T-Shirt ain’t gonna fix a thing. You suck.
• A cruddy hotel can require a decade to recover from. But you still suck for going there. (Always check Trip Advisor for hotels. Just. Do. It.)
• You do get sick and tired of eating out every single day. Take fat pants for the return trip. You suck and now you’re fat.
• You drove a rental car through Tucson and it was a convertible. #MyBad You suck and you don’t even care.
• You brought me an expensive necklace from Brighton at some random airport? Thanks, but you really still just suck.

Mama brought you Raisin Bran from Quebec!

With that in mind, what was the freakiest souvenir that you gave or that you received OR that you’ve always regretted passing up? Because I think I'm getting rather good at this! Check it out!