Roofus

So far I find trying to put a new roof on a house akin to purchasing drugs in a foreign country. No, I’ve never purchased drugs in a foreign country, but I’ve seen it in movies so I feel qualified to make this comparison.

1.      You have to know somebody.

2.      If you don’t know somebody, you have to know somebody who knows somebody.

3.      If you don’t know somebody who knows somebody, you will have to google how to build a portable meth lab put it on yourself.

4.      If you can’t put it on yourself you will have to move. I’m okay with this option, only it turns out you can’t sell a house that needs a roof. So you are now trapped like a pod of whales between icebergs. As much cake as you ate at your book release party coupled with the current condition of your roof will make this whale analogy horrifyingly accurate come February.

Fact: You need a roof or a cave with wifi.

Being a reader/writer/bookworm person you might try the Yellow Pages. Yeah. Good luck with that. For starters you should stop throwing all the new phone books directly into the recycling bin, because someday you might need a new roof and want it. You can try using the one from the year you graduated high school. Like I said, good luck with that. On top of that if you actually get a person on the phone they’ll never come. Not if you live in a beautiful, yet Deliverance-looking place. Even your friends don’t come to your house.

Fact: Most of your friends are imaginary.

Yellow Pages Roofer Facts

• There are ones who drive their Corvettes past your house and shout a number at you from their rolled down window. It is either the figure for college tuition to their child’s Ivy League school or the cost of their yacht repair. Either way we both know there is no point in them stopping.
• Some of those roofers who have been in business since your yellow pages book was current don’t need your business. They say things like:

o   I could squeeze you in spring of 2017.

o   Price? Well…(insert head scratching here) That’s a lot of roof. I’d have to get back to you. What do you do for a living?

o   Do I have to tear off the old roof? (Are there people who do that themselves? Or is it really optional?) Do you want me to haul everything away? (Unless it fits into a 13 gallon kitchen bag.) Would I need to put in one…two…three…four…five…six nails on every shingle? (Um, I’ve never done this before, assumed you had. Go. Just go.)

o   You might be able to get another year out of this one. (Do you really think so? I say hopefully.) Well, I wouldn’t stake my reputation on it. You might not, especially if it snows. Are you planning on moving anytime soon? (Hey, I already tried that one.)

S. R. Karfelt
Nicole Mason Photography

So what I’m wondering is if anybody has actually ever SEEN somebody putting on a new roof. What proof do we have that this actually happens? My timing is way off. My plan was to move before the attic was full of shtuff or the house needed work done. Too late. Anyone know a roofer who would work for all the shtuff in the attic and autographed copies of my latest novel? Come on, somebody has to know somebody.