Commuter Planes

The Glitter Globe by S. R. Karfelt

“We don’t care what falls off, as long as it is inside the plane!” – Motto

After my last blog wherein I created the hashtag on Twitter of #IhateUSAir, I found myself inspired reading the comments people left me. One reader happily reported she liked all flights except commuter ones. As much as I dislike USAir, I adore commuter flights. In case you live in a city with a real airport, I’ll explain what they are. There are small towns where people spend vast amounts of time trying to leave traveling to places where the sun shines. These lucky little towns get to have their own little airport. It’s very exciting because it means the residents don’t have to take a ship and risk icebergs to get to a real bigger airport.

Now there’s usually only one terminal, and one crop duster if it isn’t planting season not many planes. The first time I went into this airport the people behind the counter greeted me by name, and tagged my bag before I said a word, it really freaked me out. But there were only about eight people on the flight and everyone else had checked in. Small airports rock. They used to actually hold the plane for late arrivals. Once they greeted Dear Hubby with “Run! Run!  They’re waiting for you!” and tossed his boarding pass at him. If they knew your flight from Borneo made you late, they’d wait. That was before newer security regulations made everyone bat-guano-crazy.

That’s all changed now and do not think because the airport is smaller that you’re going to slide through security wearing your flip flops. Take the dental floss out of your back pocket too, unless you want a cavity search. I’m sure it is a coincidence that they tend to confiscate Bath and BodyWorks products. Technically you’re only allowed to carry-on so many ounces of liquidy substances, and this small airport practically weighs your lotions and gels. Once they encouraged the woman in front of me to apply a couple ounces of product right then and there so she could pass. So don’t try to pull anything with your awesome Berry Flirt Shea Enriched Body Lotion, Bub.

Commuter airplanes tend to be about the size of carnival rides tiny propeller planes that are so loud inside you have to shout to have a conversation. If you’re afraid to fly, you really need to fly these dudes. It’s aversion therapy; like living in Texas will cure you of a fear of cockroaches. Exposure will get you over your fear of flying. I sat next to a little girl who got freaked out by the bumping and banging. She totally bought my “There are bumpy roads in the sky, just like on the ground” speech. And we got into a rousing game of “Name That Banging Sound”. I think she was right that someone put a hundred pennies in the overhead bin. We ended that flight pretending like the dip and rise, and droning sound, was because we’d been swallowed by a hummingbird. Did I ever mention I like sitting by kids? 

One of the planes had a bench-like seat in the very back. I seemed to hit the lotto for that spot quite often. I don’t know if there was always turbulence, but sitting there was better than any amusement park ride. Sometimes water would condense along the ceiling of the plane and drip icy water on you during the trip, though it froze eventually. You do not take your coat off on these flights. Unless you’re stuck on the runway in one, and then you’ll want to get naked and lick the water off the ceiling because it gets so hot. You don’t really mind though because you’re high on jet fuel. The seats never recline, as a matter of fact there have been times the entire armrest came off in my hand, and sometimes those panels in the walls flop open.

I don’t think they’re unsafe though, I really don’t. They’re just not pretty or posh, but they’re functionally correct and I love them. They only shake and rattle because there are bumpy roads in the sky just like on the ground. You’ll be just fine, safe and sound, right here inside this hummingbird.

Did you buy it?  Wanna play name that banging sound?  (You can do that in your car by the way.)  Ever have anything on a plane freak you out?  Besides the prices in the SkyMall magazine?  Ever have anything fall off on your car?  Like the rearview mirror?  I figure it’s the same type of thing, you don’t really need a rearview mirror, do you?  Nor do you really need an armrest, right?

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Oh, I'm not giving away Slinky Dogs right now. I'm writing out the next novel and don't have time for post office runs. I think everyone has one anyway, don't they?